I've always believed that everything happens for a reason and people come into your lives at certain times in your life when you need them the most. I'm so thankful to have people in my life that I can count on. People that are true friends and sometimes more like family than my actual family.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've been tediously going over forms and apprehensive for what may be ahead. It has certainly been a departure from 'brick workouts' and the constant packing for various workouts. I miss the repetitive nature...in a way. I've felt emotionally and physically tired the last two weeks - not so tired that I want to do three crossings in the lake, but tired nonetheless.
Anyway, in times of life changing events...you realize who is really there to support you. I've had several people tell me that they would support me in whatever decision I make. "I've got your back.", "I'll support you!", "Do what's best for you and your family." I believe that all of these statements are true, but a handful of people in my life have really made me feel amazing. I know that people sometimes rattle off vague statements that are veiled in creative verbiage that although they don't mention the person by name, everyone knows who they are talking about. Well, these people have meant so much to me that I'm shouting (or typing) their names from my blog-top. Why not. It's my random diatribe.
There is, as always, my love. Neal has been incredible - as one would expect. He has been there to 'talk me down from the ledge' several times recently. I've struggled with making decisions, which is SO not like me. Neal usually has to worry about me immediately making a decision and then the discussion (if there is one) is done. He has been there at each bump in the road to remind me that everything will be ok. I know that whatever 'label' I give myself, he's next to me. My partner and muppet - with a double promise.
Then there's the only other person in my life that I value their opinion almost as much as Neal. To be honest, pretty much more than anyone other than Neal in my life! Of course, Beth has been there for me for a myriad of situations in my life over the past several years...some good, some bad. She's typically the first person I call when anything happens to me. You never really separate from the person that holds your hand for the last mile of your first half-marathon and declares that 'the walkers aren't finishing before you'! I was actually nervous to tell her. I was afraid that our relationship had been so intertwined with races and training, that once I pulled back...so would she. As always, she was right there for me. I admire her for everything that she has accomplished and everything I know that she will. She's a very determined woman, but above all is a great mother. I think she's crazy, but that's part of her charm. I've never wanted to do more, and be there more, for any other friend in my life than with Beth. I adore (and pseudo-adopted) her girls. I enjoy talking on the phone and sending crazy texts. Most of all, I appreciate everything that she does for me and think of her as my sister.
People come into your lives for a reason. I really believe this to be true. I especially believed it once I read a heartfelt email from an amazing teammate a friend and a fabulous mom! Kate has been so much fun to get to know over the last six months or so. She's open and honest, caring and kinda neurotic (which is a good thing). I know that there's certainly nothing I can put here, or anywhere else, that will explain how touched I was with what she shared with me. I felt like I wasn't alone, that everything I thought that was wrong with ME was felt by someone I had a connection to. Most of all, I felt hope. I read, cried and then read again. I'm crying now! Thank you seems so lame, but that's all I'm putting down here. You various people that have even read this far don't get the satisfaction of anything other than that. Sorry!
I'm not sure I'm prepared for the long and bumpy road ahead, but I feel as though I have my own AAA team ready to get me back on track whenever I need them. I often feel like I've been dealt a bad hand and I get envious of people that have it so easy in life. Then, I realize that without struggle, you don't appreciate everything - and everyone - you have in life.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Change
I'm so impressed with people that can put all their thoughts into a concise format. I have started and erased so many "blogs" here that the thought of actually hitting "publish" seems so unreal. I thought, however, maybe I need a forum just to get my thoughts out of my head and not to think about the people that may or may not be reading my totally random diatribe. So, here I go!
I like training. It makes me feel empowered and healthy. I like the dumbfounded looks people give an overweight person that proclaims they just did a half-marathon. It was always entertaining to work at Fleet Feet and work with a customer that has the "typical" runner body and talk about what I was training for and get the "Oh! You're a runner?!". I always wanted to ask them if they thought the owners had to hire the 'fatty' just to make the other people in the store look better.
I post my workout log as a badge of honor in my office. You walk in my small office and you're greeted with all my medals and race numbers. I walk in and think to myself...go me! I would get caught up in the next race, because I didn't want to feel left out. I didn't want to say no because I didn't want to admit weakness. I didn't want my weight to be a reason why I couldn't do something. I can be proud of a lot of things in my life and I think I'm most proud of the fact that I never let my insecurities about my size dictate what I would be able to accomplish in life.
Recently, however, I've felt unfulfilled. The long workouts, the seemingly constant training, the feeling of being run down. I suppose I was looking for something to give me a sign that I was doing what would bring me the most joy.
Another birthday rolls around and I get the sign. I have my annual doctor appointment and I hear the words that I never wanted to hear. "You're not getting any younger, Geni". What? When did I get old? "You really need to decide what you want to do. We've been aggressive with medications and if you want a child, you need to really think about taking the next step."
The next step. Ugh. Want to do a marathon? Sure. Want to do a tri? Absolutely! Want to see a fertility specialist? Uh, let me wait two years. Change. It is inevitable, I know, but I feel like I've been like my mom and so resistant to it for the two years. Neal has always accused me of running from something and it wasn't until recently that I thought he was right.
Some people in my life long to hear the words...'you are an Ironman'. I've wanted to hear the word 'mom' for the last three years. I had accepted that it wouldn't come true so I used my training as a way of coping with my depression. I have finally realized though that I'm not interested in being defined by how many races I do, or what amount of training time I log.
So, I've started down a side road. September 2nd starts the process of trying to add another person to the Wright family.
I like training. It makes me feel empowered and healthy. I like the dumbfounded looks people give an overweight person that proclaims they just did a half-marathon. It was always entertaining to work at Fleet Feet and work with a customer that has the "typical" runner body and talk about what I was training for and get the "Oh! You're a runner?!". I always wanted to ask them if they thought the owners had to hire the 'fatty' just to make the other people in the store look better.
I post my workout log as a badge of honor in my office. You walk in my small office and you're greeted with all my medals and race numbers. I walk in and think to myself...go me! I would get caught up in the next race, because I didn't want to feel left out. I didn't want to say no because I didn't want to admit weakness. I didn't want my weight to be a reason why I couldn't do something. I can be proud of a lot of things in my life and I think I'm most proud of the fact that I never let my insecurities about my size dictate what I would be able to accomplish in life.
Recently, however, I've felt unfulfilled. The long workouts, the seemingly constant training, the feeling of being run down. I suppose I was looking for something to give me a sign that I was doing what would bring me the most joy.
Another birthday rolls around and I get the sign. I have my annual doctor appointment and I hear the words that I never wanted to hear. "You're not getting any younger, Geni". What? When did I get old? "You really need to decide what you want to do. We've been aggressive with medications and if you want a child, you need to really think about taking the next step."
The next step. Ugh. Want to do a marathon? Sure. Want to do a tri? Absolutely! Want to see a fertility specialist? Uh, let me wait two years. Change. It is inevitable, I know, but I feel like I've been like my mom and so resistant to it for the two years. Neal has always accused me of running from something and it wasn't until recently that I thought he was right.
Some people in my life long to hear the words...'you are an Ironman'. I've wanted to hear the word 'mom' for the last three years. I had accepted that it wouldn't come true so I used my training as a way of coping with my depression. I have finally realized though that I'm not interested in being defined by how many races I do, or what amount of training time I log.
So, I've started down a side road. September 2nd starts the process of trying to add another person to the Wright family.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
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